Finding My New "Normal"

    OK, I have fibromyalgia... Now what?
   Growing up, I became accustomed to the "American dream." You work your ass off, make big purchases, and become proud of everything you own. Becoming ill, it was hard to wash my own hair, and I was a licensed cosmetologist! I became very depressed, guilty, and ashamed... I felt like I let everyone down, including myself. As a hair stylist, I won a national competition, just a year my diagnosis. My husband and I were flown to as Vegas so I could accept my award. Everything was paid for, even the 3 day stay at the Mirage. While there I attended conferences and workshops, learning the  in's and out's of running salons. I was so proud of myself, and then life decided I needed to make a U-turn. At my support group, i learned a lot. I noticed the other members still had some quality of life. Although I was at least 15-20 years younger than everyone else, I became close friends with a few members. They taught me that I could still enjoy life, but the first thing that I needed to accept, was that I will not be able to do everything the way I used to. My life before Fibro, was multitasking every moment, while accomplishing everything on my 3 page to-do list! That was my normal, I attached "being busy" to meaning "successful." Once I could, and my husband could convince myself to let go of the list, I started to see what i was capable of. I began to see that, getting dressed could = success! I learned to not plan anything after a small grocery trip, otherwise I would be too wiped out to make dinner for the kids.


     Lutina, my close friend with fibro, made a great analogy for our energy and symptoms. Our bodies have become like the vehicles we drive, with better oil and fluids the better they run, just like we need better foods and water. But also, they require a tank for fuel, we watch the gauge to judge how far we can travel. If we drive through town, speeding between stop lights and stopping at multiple locations, our fuel wont get much mileage. If we think "just one more stop," and spend our last dime, we go for the ignition but nothing happens. No fuel means no more energy, while also causing damage to the motor when we drive on E all the time. We could have spent the day on the highway, or only made a few stops, and would have some fuel left to get back home.

   I had to learn to pay attention to my "gauge." Fuel tanks are not a one size fits all, others with the same diagnosis can have 8 gallon tanks or 2 gallons, and some of us are half empty or barely a quarter full. I know that if i use too much fuel, that i might be broke down for a few days. Paying attention to myself was foreign, and at first it felt so selfish, but i learned quickly how important it was. I didn't want our kids to lose their mommy, so i payed attention to how much fuel would be required for each task during the day and included time to rest before they got home from school. Soon I realized that I had found my new "normal." I stopped making pages of to-do lists, I asked for more help, and realized that my body isn't the same as it was. Although some symptoms come and go, I know to pay attention, and not over do it on the good days. My old "normal" would cause me to push past breaking points to feel worthy. With  my new "normal" I've become more grateful and patient with myself.

   Thanks for reading my journey! Have you read the "Spoon theory?" do you have another interesting way to explain your "tank" to others? Let me know in the comments below!